Lately, I have a problem with the phrase, “Things happen for a reason.” It smacks of being at the mercy of an external agency and doesn’t ring with the choice-centred worldview that I prefer. For me, things just happen. Our own imagination and creativity give an event meaning or a reason. Then we make choices about potential responses to the event. Through the experience we become our own teachers, gathering wisdom that’s relevant and personal rather than accepting a pre-fabricated belief or practice.
Last week, my brother-in-law Alex died unexpectedly, leaving my sister widowed and my niece fatherless. The funeral was yesterday. Sad? Yes. Numbing? Yes. A blow to the heart? Yes. Yet, I have a choice here. Will I become hardened and cynical about life or will I allow this breaking open of the heart to remind me of my connection with loved ones? I choose the latter.
There were people at the funeral with whom I wish to remain in better contact. I witnessed people there who for whatever reason hadn’t been communicating with one another reach out, hug, cry, and really be there for and with each other. Will I allow my spirit to wither or will I allow it to touch others? I choose the latter.
The meaning and reason that my imagination and creativity choose to weave from the event of Alex’s death is to stay connected. In our connection, healing can take place within me, within our family, within our community, and (one hopes) within our world.
What major event has occurred in your life? How did you choose to respond to it? What did your choice(s) teach you? How is that teaching a gift to our world?
* Image: Wheel of Fortune from “Tarot ReVisioned” by Leigh J. McCloskey.
Evolutionary Tarot & Circle Ways 
I had a similar experience at the death of my father. Too involved to get into here, but I could see exactly how his entire life led to the unusual circumstances of his death. There are those of us who sensed his death before it happened. And I chose to see his death as fulfilling his own wishes to be with my mother again. As I saw it, he wouldn’t kill himself, so he found someone who would do the job for him.
His choices were his. And my choices in how to respond to his death were mine. But that doesn’t mean that it didn’t also happen for a reason. For me, the reason ultimately became the basis of my spirituality. And yes, that’s the meaning I attributed to it. But I could also see the trajectory of how I got from point A to point B without knowing the big picture, only to have ended up in a favorable spot. Which told me another hand was behind everything, taking me where I wanted to go, even before I knew what that destination was. So I believe everything happened for a reason that dovetails perfectly with what I believe is the story of my life. Random wouldn’t have necessarily gotten me here…in my opinion. I believe this was a trajectory that was intended for me for this leg of my soul’s journey.
May that journey continue to be rich with meaning and spirit, Tierney. It’s good to appreciate who we’ve become as a result of our A to B walk. If we like who we are now, we can thank Life!
I am saddened to hear of your loss and send you my Love and condolences. Do I believe things happen for a reason? I believe if they do than that reason probably doesn’t have much if anything to do with me unless I can find evidence to support that I was the cause. I guess I just don’t have a strong enough ego to believe that in our vast universe or even on this small planet that I am so important that some all mighty powerful force is going to adjust the grand plan for my benefit. I don’t believe that would be true even for the entire human race unless the previously mentioned stipulation applied. I do not wish to trod upon peoples Sacred Spiritual beliefs or religious traditions but too often it feels like the words, “Things happen for a reason “ , which are suppose to be meant in kindness, are felt like the patronizing gibberish of someone who is trying to sound Spiritual when genuine Love and compassion is what is called for. It is sad that those words have become so cliché that half the time they are said before the person saying them seems to know they said it. It has become the catch phrase of someone who doesn’t know what to say. I have found in my experience of times of loss that the people who didn’t know what to say better served me by not saying anything but instead quietly offer a shoulder to cry on or a genuine look of concern.
NOW can we find some positive in a negative situation? Sometimes that can be very challenging and it is not always appropriate to look for but I think this is the spirit of what is meant by the phrase “things happen for a reason”. But whether the phrase, “things happen for a reason” or “look at the bright side” or any variation of those themes, timing and setting needs to be considered.
So it is in this spirit that I say to you James, you do indeed have my Love and condolences. I cannot think of any other words of comfort at this time but offer my friendship if at any time you need someone to talk to. In short, I understand that you may be hurting right now and I care.
Thank you, TJ. I’m gathering that “things happen for a reason” might actually be shorthand for what I’m saying here.
Wow, James, your initial statement set off a bevy of responses, didn’t it? I, too, dislike “everything happens for a reason” as an oversimplication that, if taken literally, contains no depth or thoughtfulness. It’s far too close to the fundamentalist “It’s God’s will” for my liking. But most phrases of that nature can be made meaningful by teasing them out with intelligent thought, just as you’ve done in your blog. As you say, the alternative is to become hardened and cynical – which sometimes feels like a good option, I have to admit – but in the long term probably hurts oneself as much as others.
There is a very interesting little book called “The gift of grief: finding peace, transformation and renewed life after great sorrow” by Matthew Gewirtz. It really helped me come to terms with loss. In it Gewirtz mentions Rabbi Nachman of Breslow (I presume the same person as Rachel Pollack writes about in her description of the Speaker of Rivers). Rabbi Nachman taught about the phenomenon of “bittul”, the stripping down of ourselves through suffering. His notion is that “intense pain causes us to clench our eyes shut and stop in our tracks, if only for a moment. That moment is a precious, if harrowing, chance for us to be truly present in our existential selves.”
From my perspective, that last phrase resonates well with what you’ve written –
And we then have the freedom/responsibility to choose the best course we can, for ourselves and for those we care about.
I’m amazed at how many FB posts the initial statement generated. It’s good. It’s a way for each of us to clarify and refine our worldviews. Perhaps Rabbi Nachman is talking about the sort of experience I mentioned in my “Honouring Transformation” blog entry — Scorpionic stripping away etc. It’s interesting that shortly after writing that piece this current death experience took place. My own soul seemed to be preparing me to surrender to surprise here, unbeknownst to my ego self. I’m happy to hear from the other side of the globe, Laura. Hugs to you and J.
Yes, it’s very interesting, isn’t it, how synchronous things can be – your transformation blog was very much a parallel with the concept of bittul, now that you point it out. I love the concept of something being simultaneously precious and harrowing – life’s full of paradox and polarity. It’s the being able to sit with that tension can be challenging at times – but the alternative is a kind of non-existence I would imagine. (Having said that, however, I’m reminded of the great line from American Beauty – “Never underestimate the power of denial”!!)Hugs back to you from us both here in the nether regions of the planet.
I’m sorry for your loss, James. And what a beautiful blog.
Thank you, Sephera. Please visit as often as you like. I really appreciate when people enter the conversation on Circle Ways.